I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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