i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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