I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
