My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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