you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
