i would punch a child for taco bell
you traded sex for a burrito?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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