Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
