I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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