and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
