Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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