you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
