i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Bring me that man meat
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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