Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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