Welp...herpes.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
