I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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