You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
