I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
