At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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