Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
