I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
