I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
