I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
