I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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