Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
