Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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