girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
