You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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