My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
