hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
