I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
