I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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