Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
