but the lizard people decide everything anyway
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
