I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
