Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
