if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
