i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
