I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
