I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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