Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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