i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
