and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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