he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
