Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize