I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
