when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize