Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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