I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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