I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
