nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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