Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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