so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
