I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize