Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
whose parrot is this?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
