Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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